watching the ground

beneath your fickle feet

crack

watching the lines

around your lying eyes

etch

watching the air

in and out of your labouring lungs

catch

you can’t keep up the facade

forever

she’ll figure it out

they all did

indecency

indiscriminatly

inconsistently

consistent

and no matter

how short her leash is on you

it will snap

you’ll break

the good man you play at

wears way bigger shoes then

your wandering feet can stay in

and as hard as she tries

to keep you to her

and as hard as you try

to keep her happy

at the end of the day

a snake sheds his skin

only to grow another.

I can always find

a dance

in any

circumstance

a partner

to take my offered hand

a partner

to spin me round

a partner

to commit a crime

yet

unspoken.

Ink,

jewelry,

small comments

slipped out.

He rolled his sleeves up

to reaveal more

in common.

It was

appreciated.

skip

skip

twirl

twirl.

Was the change so obvious

in me?

I don’t like to be

forced into a persona that

I’m not.

And yet He

He can’t accept

that I am still

Me.

The same

Me

that he fell in love with.

I don’t,

won’t

play that game

with

Him.

I refuse to role play

into the part

he has set aside for

Me,

purely for his own

self preservation.

I know he forgets to

look at Me

on purpose,

He doesn’t want to

remember.

but I am always,

only,

Me.

Just a shadow

a wisp of smoke

a wilted lily

of what was once

strong

and

bold

and beautiful

with shoulders so broad and

founded

they could

carry the weight of the

worlds

burdens.

she sat down

her legs folded under her

collapsed

unto herself

and he didn’t catch her

he didn’t break her fall

not that she expected him to

though it would’ve been nice

to have someone wash her dishes

and make her supper

take in the groceries

take out the trash

defenses down

defenseless.

she put her hands on the pavement under her

and she pushed

she shoved

tilted her head to the sky

the grey grey sky

and breathed

closed her eyes

and let the tears fall

the rain started

the thick muggy air

added to the task at hand

but she dug her heels in

and she pushed

she took in the air

pulled herself up

stood again

on her own

two feet

strong

stronger than ever

her own terms

her own air

hers.

A jeep load of suits

shaved heads

sporty

expensive shades

slick shiney shoes

pleated pants

and me

in jeans and a t-shirt.

gifted shades my mom got

for free in a Clinique package,

ripped up 1/2 off lucky jeans

with too many holes even for my liking

a white thin over worn tee

hair wild,

disheveled

par usual

blasting Adele,

19,

walgreens bought lip gloss

50 cent iced  coffee refill

form the Bucks,

all those boys raised outta me

was

annoyance.

walkin side by side

one long and lean

long pale thin arms

ending in delicate fingers

and the other

a bit shorter

a bit more full

both beautiful

bounds and leaps

ahead of where they

walked

but still second class

still walking side by side

I waited for

their hands to touch

to intertwine

we weren’t ready

they wern’t recognised

two steps back.

H8te held its ground.

I’m gonna reach out

a long way

a long far way

to grab your hand

and pull you out here

over here

all the long way

the long far away

and

I’m gonna take you

to a place

a perfect place

and we are gonna

trespass

under the metal gate

and over the barbed wire

put up to

keep our sort

out.

Interested,

curious

instead.

Put up to

keep those that have stopped

thinking above and beyond

and colouring outside the lines

maybe,

but not us.

I’m gonna drag you

to the ground

with me.

We’re gonna lay there

in the cactus field

at the corner of

Humphreys and Floral

in the middle of the city

in the dirt

in the dust

and you are gonna

hold my hand

and be glad

for it

damnit.

You gonna make your way

over to my table

for a second?

My scotch and soda

nearly drained

and we’ve not exchanged

a word,

a look,

perhaps,

a breath in unison

sigh.

You recognise

and i resist

you drag on it

and i walk away

Impotent “high fivin”

High fiver.

Comere,

sit down

slip your hand

under the table

across my lap

under my shirt

lean in

smell home

close your eyes

and finally wake up

to what you’ve been

only dreamin about

what your reality has been denied

too long

you know you mean to

you want to.

Your eyes through me

mine avoiding the connection

impenetrable to your gaze

challenging

Two of us

too big and bad

to be

vulnerable.

Shame.

Shame.

I ripped it off

with my teeth

slow slow slow

rip

it bled

usually does

and then the pus

if i don’t bandage it straight away

I did

this time

and it only bothers me

when i braid hair

because the plaster

gets caught up in

it all

all all all

But it doesn’t deter me

100% to do with my

OCD

OCD

OCD

action/reaction thingy

can’t resist the pull

enjoy watching the skin pull

away from skin

away from the whole

slowly slowly

teeth clenched

tight

it bleeds

of course

I can’t let go

but I can’t get in

He kneeled next to

me.

trying

crying

lying

full of the desire

to let it go

to let me in

I just stared at him

not with anger

not with hurt

almost with disbelief

but I so want to

believe

believe

again

in it

in something

Then he left

and now I can’t stop

crying.